stop
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever