Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.