[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.