Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
You Might Also Like
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.