“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*