You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
The Struggle
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
estão todos miauvindo?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.