Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me recordaron éste meme
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work