“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.