sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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Driving in Europe vs Canada
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Who did it better?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.