[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.