Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The Joker was right
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?