“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Batman v Dracula
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers