It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up