I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this