Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?