It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
respect
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.