When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
You Might Also Like
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?