COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Can’t, holding a grudge
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope