I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
🤣could you imagine
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Art by Pastelkatto
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.