If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: