Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!