Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night