Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.