Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop