I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You Might Also Like
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter