7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
This is my favorite one of these!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
i’m still crying at this
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Damn what did I do next
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again