2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
A classic…
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes