Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax