People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up