The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
constantly working on myself.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Cool shirt 🙂
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love