if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Anyone want a chair?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*