Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
The options really are this bad
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
#Caturday
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.