When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
drew a comic about my origin story
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*