CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?