I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
early stone age tool
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower