[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.