The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.