Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Genius idea!!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.