[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Breaking news:
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation