Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try