Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
😂💯
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.