CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup