It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*