Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
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My sex drive has a dui
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I hope this email finds you in a well
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”