ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.