The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
True
Not today, today.
Not today.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.