I only look at Wordle for the articles
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[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
When you’re Kinky but poor
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.