Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
rapatouille
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN