Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You Might Also Like
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing