Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Straight people are cancelled
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
this is me